Flamin' Junkers

I think some people are a little too 'flame-happy' with their vehicles. Just the other day I saw a 15 year old minivan with those flame-stickers on the front and sides of it. Fifteen years old!...Minivan!...American made!...like we're supposed to believe that this vehicle is traveling so freakin' fast that the friction of the air is causing the front of his lame-ass vehicle to ignite! Is that what this driver is asking us to believe? He was beggin' for me to run him off the road and just beat the crap out of him. Fortunately I'm not a man that's prone to violent rages so I just followed him home and went back later and poisoned his cat (or maybe it was just a raccoon in his yard, I don't know, it was dark). OK sometimes the Redneck part of me wins out over the Educated part.

UPDATE: People, stop chewing on me for this. It was a joke! No more emails!

If you must have a dog...

I don't dislike dogs (some of my best friends have been dogs -- including some of the girls I dated in college), but I do dislike inconsiderate humans with dogs. If you must have a dog, at least give it some basic training. I mean, if you’re going to have a beast with a proud hunting heritage that you’ve genetically mutated down to the size of a ground hog, you owe it to the poor varmint to teach it a few basic survival skills (such as shutting its trap and playing dead whenever it hears the sound of "lock and load"). If you have a dog that's prone to wander into your neighbors' yards, consider building a fence, keeping it chained or breaking its legs (just kidding about that last part... I'm really not that cruel; I just get aggravated by blatant disregard for one's fellow humans -- things you allow your dog to do that interfere with my sleep, cost me money or cause me to end up with stinky shit on my shoes would fall into that category). Also, if you have a dog that likes to bark loudly and continuously at nothing in particular all night long, don't assume that just because it hasn't been shot that it's not bothering anyone. You may be used to it (or deaf), but more than likely, it's driving some of your neighbors crazy. And don't think that letting it loose at night will solve the problem. The reason you're not hearing it outside your window is because the stupid thing is at my house barking outside of my window (and crapping in my yard)! And if you're wondering why your dog keeps having puppies (smaller, but equally annoying, versions of your beast), then you need to go back and retake junior high biology. Believe it or not, there are ways to keep this from happening. You can get rid of the dog (my vote!), get the dog spayed, or build the freaking fence I mentioned earlier. This will not only keep your dog in your yard, but it will also keep male dogs away from her (the little bitch). Note: An added benefit to building a fence is that if you build it high enough and with a strong enough lock, it may also be a solution for containing your wandering children who like to show up at my door unannounced at the most inconvenient and inappropriate times, but that's another blog for another day...

Can't we all try to get along?

OK so I’m not always the best at trying to find the good things in everyone else. But recently at church I was challenged to try to look for the things that I have in common with others rather than focusing on the negative (the things we disagree on). In this way I can make friends rather than just flipping people off all the time. Anyway, as I was thinking about this new way of looking at things, I thought I should be able to come up with things that I have in common with anyone. But then I was struck with the challenge of Hillary. Could I come up with some things that Mrs. Clinton and I actually have in common? I thought and thought and I came up with 3 ways in which we are alike. Despite popular opinion, we are both homo-sapiens. We both have kids (well she only saw fit to have one, but it’s still an offspring). And we both have dogs at home. My dog chases after sticks and hers chases after skirts. We can start from there and build some sort of relationship on those fundamental points. There you have it! This proves that anyone has something in common with everyone else. So be encouraged, get out there and start making friends. Especially you Christians, get out there and start with the common points and build on those. It’s hard to influence a camel when you’re just screaming at him to stop marching through the desert.