If you must have a dog...

I don't dislike dogs (some of my best friends have been dogs -- including some of the girls I dated in college), but I do dislike inconsiderate humans with dogs. If you must have a dog, at least give it some basic training. I mean, if you’re going to have a beast with a proud hunting heritage that you’ve genetically mutated down to the size of a ground hog, you owe it to the poor varmint to teach it a few basic survival skills (such as shutting its trap and playing dead whenever it hears the sound of "lock and load"). If you have a dog that's prone to wander into your neighbors' yards, consider building a fence, keeping it chained or breaking its legs (just kidding about that last part... I'm really not that cruel; I just get aggravated by blatant disregard for one's fellow humans -- things you allow your dog to do that interfere with my sleep, cost me money or cause me to end up with stinky shit on my shoes would fall into that category). Also, if you have a dog that likes to bark loudly and continuously at nothing in particular all night long, don't assume that just because it hasn't been shot that it's not bothering anyone. You may be used to it (or deaf), but more than likely, it's driving some of your neighbors crazy. And don't think that letting it loose at night will solve the problem. The reason you're not hearing it outside your window is because the stupid thing is at my house barking outside of my window (and crapping in my yard)! And if you're wondering why your dog keeps having puppies (smaller, but equally annoying, versions of your beast), then you need to go back and retake junior high biology. Believe it or not, there are ways to keep this from happening. You can get rid of the dog (my vote!), get the dog spayed, or build the freaking fence I mentioned earlier. This will not only keep your dog in your yard, but it will also keep male dogs away from her (the little bitch). Note: An added benefit to building a fence is that if you build it high enough and with a strong enough lock, it may also be a solution for containing your wandering children who like to show up at my door unannounced at the most inconvenient and inappropriate times, but that's another blog for another day...

birds

I hate birds! Birds are disgusting little flying turd-droppers who would be sold into slavery if they were capable of doing anything at all. My neighbors on both sides apparently love birds. They think they’re doing birds a favor by buying all the food they could ever hope to eat, but in reality, that just makes the little bastards fat and lazy. This apparently means that the birds see my house as the ‘rest stop’ between breakfast and lunch. They’ll land on my deck rail or my mailbox and let the high-fiber birdseed from next door work its way through their disease-ridden colons. I think if birds had been called something closer to what they actually are (like flying rats) they wouldn’t be loved nearly as much by well-meaning dupes like my goofy neighbors. You know they carry diseases (birds, not my neighbors)! Ever heard of bird-flu and chicken pox... not to mention all of the STDs (neighbors, not the birds).