If you must have a dog...

I don't dislike dogs (some of my best friends have been dogs -- including some of the girls I dated in college), but I do dislike inconsiderate humans with dogs. If you must have a dog, at least give it some basic training. I mean, if you’re going to have a beast with a proud hunting heritage that you’ve genetically mutated down to the size of a ground hog, you owe it to the poor varmint to teach it a few basic survival skills (such as shutting its trap and playing dead whenever it hears the sound of "lock and load"). If you have a dog that's prone to wander into your neighbors' yards, consider building a fence, keeping it chained or breaking its legs (just kidding about that last part... I'm really not that cruel; I just get aggravated by blatant disregard for one's fellow humans -- things you allow your dog to do that interfere with my sleep, cost me money or cause me to end up with stinky shit on my shoes would fall into that category). Also, if you have a dog that likes to bark loudly and continuously at nothing in particular all night long, don't assume that just because it hasn't been shot that it's not bothering anyone. You may be used to it (or deaf), but more than likely, it's driving some of your neighbors crazy. And don't think that letting it loose at night will solve the problem. The reason you're not hearing it outside your window is because the stupid thing is at my house barking outside of my window (and crapping in my yard)! And if you're wondering why your dog keeps having puppies (smaller, but equally annoying, versions of your beast), then you need to go back and retake junior high biology. Believe it or not, there are ways to keep this from happening. You can get rid of the dog (my vote!), get the dog spayed, or build the freaking fence I mentioned earlier. This will not only keep your dog in your yard, but it will also keep male dogs away from her (the little bitch). Note: An added benefit to building a fence is that if you build it high enough and with a strong enough lock, it may also be a solution for containing your wandering children who like to show up at my door unannounced at the most inconvenient and inappropriate times, but that's another blog for another day...

Idiot lights

Do I really need my computer notifying me of everything it's doing every 3 seconds? Why the hell do I need a "system tray" filled with more goofy little icons? I get it, they're idiot lights for the 21st century. And why does it take an hour to save my "personal settings" when I shut down? WTF is that? Has Microsoft been collecting my DNA all this time? The PC techs never seems to know what's going on. They try, but if they can't fix the problem by rebooting or installing who knows what from the stack of CDs they lug around, you *might* get a new computer. So now that Vista is out, I was recently upgraded from my old desktop Windows2000 machine to a new WindowsXP laptop. Not because my old machine was locking up though (no, that would be the new one) it was because the old machine didn't have enough resources to run the corporate spyware that tracks our productivity. Neat. So my new machine runs the spyware and a bunch of stupid-ass "system tray" notifications and not much else. BTW - XP is an abbreviation for "eXtrememly Pissed" and that's exactly what I've been since I got the stupid thing. So much for productivity. Good thing I bought an iPod to keep me entertained while I reboot...reboot...reboot....

polygamy

OK, today it's time to reply to some of this mail we've been getting. Tonya wants to know, "Why do most men smile when the idea of a man having multiple wives come up?"
Well Tonya, it's because men have conditioned themselves to only think about the possible "fun" they might have in this particular scenario. Surely two women wouldn't both have a head-ache on the same night, every night. And they think that if they get bored with one sexually, they could just move on to the other. Admittedly most men are just daydreaming here and shut out the reality of two women being mad at them in the same household at the same time. Two lovely beauties bitching at you in stereo because you forgot to take out the garbage again. Two women interrupting your relaxing Saturday to ask you when you're going to get around to painting the house. Two women telling you that 'No, it's not a good day for you to play golf with your buddies'. And two (shudder to think) women PMSing in the same house at the same time! Brrrrrrr, that's the kind of stuff nightmares are made of. And now, thanks to this brief dose of reality, all the guys who read this will shudder in fear instead of smiling the next time the idea of polygamy enters a conversation. Are you happy now Tonya?

Gobal Warming

Enough with "global warming" crap already. I'm quakin' in me boots. Gee, wasn't the big problem supposed to be the hole in the ozone layer? Or the impending next ice age?!?!? Get your friggin' story straight. Meteorologists can't get the 7 day forecast right but still insist the world is on the verge of melting like the "nacho cheese" served down at Snatch-n-Go.
I live in the mid-south. If the ice caps melt and the rising sea-level whacks L.A. and New York, what the hell do I care? I've always wanted a beach house and if these a-holes turn out to be right by chance, I should be sitting on some prime real-estate.

birds

I hate birds! Birds are disgusting little flying turd-droppers who would be sold into slavery if they were capable of doing anything at all. My neighbors on both sides apparently love birds. They think they’re doing birds a favor by buying all the food they could ever hope to eat, but in reality, that just makes the little bastards fat and lazy. This apparently means that the birds see my house as the ‘rest stop’ between breakfast and lunch. They’ll land on my deck rail or my mailbox and let the high-fiber birdseed from next door work its way through their disease-ridden colons. I think if birds had been called something closer to what they actually are (like flying rats) they wouldn’t be loved nearly as much by well-meaning dupes like my goofy neighbors. You know they carry diseases (birds, not my neighbors)! Ever heard of bird-flu and chicken pox... not to mention all of the STDs (neighbors, not the birds).

Hampoo

What the crap is up with shampoo makers these days. They’re making stuff like Mango-Berry Twist shampoo. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in Mango’s or Berry’s that will beautify your locks. They also have shampoos "fortified" with egg-whites and "infused" with thyme, peppermint, and all kinds of herbs and special seasonings. The whole point of shampoo is to get rid of the nasty fried-oil misting I got at Mrs. Winner's, not replace it with the crap they put in the salad dressing at Olive Garden. WTF are they going to come up with next? "Hampoo" made with chunks of real bacon?! Are we such a society of gluttonous beasts that the only way they can get us to wash our hair is by making our shampoo appear edible? They’re even doing it with kid’s shampoos. On my daughters pink, swirly shampoo bottle there’s the big puffy word SMOOTHERS at the top and at the bottom are the slightly smaller words STRAWBERRY SWIRL. If I weren’t afraid of the Cocamidopropyl Hydroxysultaine or the Polyquaternium-10, I’d be tempted to eat it.

Can't we all try to get along?

OK so I’m not always the best at trying to find the good things in everyone else. But recently at church I was challenged to try to look for the things that I have in common with others rather than focusing on the negative (the things we disagree on). In this way I can make friends rather than just flipping people off all the time. Anyway, as I was thinking about this new way of looking at things, I thought I should be able to come up with things that I have in common with anyone. But then I was struck with the challenge of Hillary. Could I come up with some things that Mrs. Clinton and I actually have in common? I thought and thought and I came up with 3 ways in which we are alike. Despite popular opinion, we are both homo-sapiens. We both have kids (well she only saw fit to have one, but it’s still an offspring). And we both have dogs at home. My dog chases after sticks and hers chases after skirts. We can start from there and build some sort of relationship on those fundamental points. There you have it! This proves that anyone has something in common with everyone else. So be encouraged, get out there and start making friends. Especially you Christians, get out there and start with the common points and build on those. It’s hard to influence a camel when you’re just screaming at him to stop marching through the desert.

Bush Administration

This administration has, if nothing else, taught us some lessons about politicians. Mainly that what we need in politics today is someone who is at least consistent. (Bill Clinton was at least consistent, with him it was just one scandal after another.) We need someone who won’t ‘change’ when he/she gets to Washington and feels the pressure to conform to the ‘I’ll vote for your crappy bill if you vote for mine’ mentality. I know these things are done in the spirit of ‘compromise’, but we didn’t put you in office to ‘compromise’ – jack ass. Oh well, I guess we can just throw all the new crappy bills on the pile with the other 347,590,617,335,480 piece-of-shit bills on the record. We also learned that we need someone who doesn’t use flowery words or phrases, (buzz words) that have little of no meaning, just to make people feel good about wasting their vote. The good news is that six years into Bush’s administration we’re finally figuring out what he means when he says he’s a ‘compassionate’ conservative. The bad news is that it means he’s a pussy (I guess his last name really does suit him). Because he got a tax cut passed, conservatives tried to overlook it when he told congress to send him any kind of crappy additional Medicare bill regardless of the cost and he’d sign it. (Thanks for wasting all of our money poop-head!) They also defended him as the media forgot, on a daily bases, exactly what a ‘long war’ looks like. He’s starting to get on the nerves of even the strongest conservatives, however with this whole amnesty bill he’s trying desperately to ram through. (Has someone taken his dog hostage until he gets an amnesty bill passed?) And in the interest of trying to get along with a few, our president has alienated virtually everyone. Look man, if you’re a newly elected politician, the people who hate you are going to hate you regardless of what you do so you might as well do what the majority of Americans want you to do. You got elected for a reason stupid, so don’t screw the pooch. Stop flip-flopping when you get to Washington.