How is everything?

I don't eat out a lot. Mainly because we have mostly chain restaurants and they generally serve the same boil-a-bag crap I can cook at home. Of course, at home I don't have to tip someone 15% to carry the plate from the kitchen to my table. (I assume some specialist in the kitchen actually removes it from the bag and puts it on the plate - I can do that at home too.). The other thing I am paying for is the delightful little shower I get when my teenage waitress decides to dump a pitcher of ice into my glass - which is already full of water. It's bad when the service sucks, but I am equally annoyed when asked "How is everything?" every 45 seconds. WTF is going on here? Is my entree a Merck field test for a new prescription drug? Is my "waitress" really a lab tech waiting to see if I sprout antlers or begin to levitate? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT!?!? You have to be "friendly and service oriented" because you need the tip money for another tattoo. OK, I GET IT! Listen: I REALLY HATE being interrupted in the middle of a conversation with my wife right when we're about to enjoy the dung-fried onion blossom THAT YOU JUST PUT ON THE TABLE 13 SECONDS AGO. How the hell would I know "how it is" when I haven't even had a chance to to taste it yet! Why do you care anyway? YOU didn't cook the damn thing! But here's the kicker - after being up my butt all night you disappear like a fart in the wind when I'm ready to pay the bill. "Excuse me, could you get our waitress? " "I'm sorry sir, she was just struck by a stray particle of anti-matter and vaporized at the quantum level". If I ever heard that one, I might be more forgiving. Instead it's usually something like "I'll see if I can track down your waitress". Huh? "Track her down?" Why?!?!? Do you intend to shoot her with a tranquilizer dart and tag her? When I finally do get the check, there's always the "Is there anything else I can get you?" Yes, perhaps a keg of pepto. I feel the "onion blossom" is about to be a-bloomin!